Journey to Romania 2008
...Continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling.
Philippians 2:12
Words cannot express the gratitude I feel toward God for placing me in an incredible Christian family. Perfect - absolutely not, but constantly seeking HIS Truth according to the Bible and willing to follow HIM wherever He led. My parents are first generation Christians and were faithful to raise my older brother and me in church. Christianity was not only something for Sundays, but it was to be lived out at our home throughout the week. God showed me my need for a Savior at age 9 and it is by HIS grace through faith that He saved me (Ephesians 2:8).
As wonderful as my family and church body were, I gained a very distorted view of the Gospel as I grew up into high school by my own misinterpretation. I am without a doubt the elder brother in the parable of the prodigal sons. God continues to show me the root of my ugliness in pride and self-righteousness even to this day. Despite this sin, God did give me a desire to follow Him. However, I was quick to tell my mom as a little girl that I would do anything for God except be a missionary. I used to watch videos of missionaries and remembered thinking how I would NEVER want that life. I had the American dream...family, money, and success. And as any good elder brother can relate, I thought that God would grant me this dream because I "did" all the right things. As you can imagine, by God's grace, He humbled me. After not getting what I so deceivingly thought I deserved, I committed sins that I said I never would and even continue to struggle with sins to this day that are rooted in pride and unbelief. I am so thankful that God continues to show me my sin and the need for HIS mercies everyday (Lamentations 3:23).
At the age of 9, I was broken for my sin and I believe God's salvation was present, but God has continually revealed more of the Gospel to me throughout the years. The process of finding a college was another incredible growing experience, but there is not time to go into all that. At Union University in Tennessee, God taught me so much. My independence was causing me not to be dependent on Him alone. God allowed me to meet 3 girls through a time of prayer that would later be my roommates. I remember them crying out for the salvation of people in every country -- many of which I had never heard of and I remember praying to God to give me such a burden for the lost and especially the lost in other countries. How incredible to look back so many years later and see how God has changed my heart.
Throughout college, God began breaking my heart not only for my complete dependence upon Him, but also His leading in my life whatever that may be. He gave me a heart for the inner city -- that also is another story for another time. But I will say that my heartbeat is for the at-risk kid that has limited resources and possibly no knowledge of God. God began giving me a heart to pray for missions. I came back after a mission trip to Morocco trying hard to go overseas to work at an orphanage, but God closed all the doors. I worked with delinquent boys, ages 12-18 in Tennessee as a overnight counselor when I graduated from college. It grew my heart for the kid with a tough life.
God brought me to Georgia to teach at Salem High School. My one prayer when leaving college was that God would never stop revealing Himself to me and I could not imagine at that time ever learning as much about Him as I did at Union. How wrong I was -- God brought two incredible families in my life -- one to challenge my view of the Gospel in such a way to point me to the Bible for answers and the other to be an example of a contagious passion for God. HIS Word had become alive in such a way that I had never known.
God led me to a church that had a desire to see all go on a mission trip. It was during a service there that God gave me a desire to go to Romania on a mission trip. I turned in a deposit check for the trip, but in God's sovereignty, the date was changed so that I could no longer go. I remember my mom's words as she said that she thought that God had given me a desire to go to Romania, but the timing was not right. I love the fact that I cannot thwart God's plan. God has continually given me a passion for the nations -- to see HIS name glorified. God allowed me to live that summer in Atlanta seeing various inner-city ministries that led to me serving with one particular ministry through individual relationships to share the Gospel.
One of the families that I was so close to in Georgia ended up surrendering everything to go to Romania to become full-time missionaries. At the time that I had wanted to go earlier, we did not know one another. I went in February 2006 to visit them with a definite agenda in mind. I thought God would want me to go over there out of a "martyr" mindset since I had never wanted to go overseas when I was younger. Again, through God's sovereignty, He closed the doors and grew my heart for the people of the U.S. How incredible God is -- He knows all. A job was created in the state of Georgia for someone to work in every high school with at-risk students helping them graduate. It was my dream job that I didn't know would ever exist. God placed me at Salem in that position.
Since I was a little girl, I used to beg my parents to adopt orphans. God continued that desire as I got older. God blessed me with a great house and allowed me to take foster care classes so that I could become a foster parent. As much as God had taught me regarding His Word and His Gospel during the previous 20+ years, the season of being a foster parent brought me facedown before an almighty, gracious, holy God and caused me to be left speechless. Becoming a foster parent allowed me to grasp a little bit more what the Father's love truly is all about. Rebecca came into my home in July 2006 and the spiritual warfare was great. God was so gracious to teach her despite my failures and sin. I can honestly say that I was settling into the American lifestyle, but I was also very content with where God had me. Her brother and sister came into my home in April, 2007. God was quick to show me that I can do nothing in my own strength as I tried and failed. I had made plans earlier to go visit Romania in July since I did not think Rebecca would still be in my home. Though God had made it clear that I was not to go to Romania to live during my February trip, I still helped with the ministry from the states through record keeping and prayer requests. I kept in contact with my friends there. I wanted to go to know how to better pray for them and to see more of what God had opened up, but I can honestly say that as the time approached, I looked less forward to it by the day. I was at a spiritual low and not turning to God for my support as I raised 3 kids and I thought the timing was terrible since the kids needed structure. I went with no expectations except that I did not want to go, but thought God's timing was perfect.
Once I got to Romania, God was incredible. It was one of the most refreshing times since I was at such a low. Spending mornings and evenings with HIM and no pressing time limit was wonderful. I honestly felt at the time that was the purpose for the trip -- to refresh and refocus me back on HIM. I tried to find one area to spend my entire time to serve, but God continued to show me more of the ministry opportunities in Romania and I can say that I not only loved seeing God at work, but I fell in love with the people of Romania. Amazingly, I did not miss America at all -- which is completely opposite of the previous trip. I came back to America not overly excited, but willing to get back into what God had in store for my life here.
I found myself thinking about people in Romania. I really continued to remind myself to refocus because I have a great job and I love the students. One morning, I had been sick the night before and got up and went straight to the Bible and asked God for an alive, fresh Word because I was feeling like I was at a low again. Genesis 22 came alive. I will not go into all the detail, but it was so clear that God was speaking. Was I willing to really follow God and do whatever He asked??? Throughout the next days of prayer and time in HIS Word, He began to show me the possibility of going to Romania. I argued with Him about it - much like Moses arguing about going to Egypt. I tried to tell Him that He had given me my dream job and 2 great kids. The next month was me wrestling not only with complete surrender, but for a confirmation of His leading.
Because of a variety of situations, it seemed that God was preparing Rebecca and Eugene to leave. I cannot explain it, but I remember having the same still, small voice when I left the boy's home and when I left the classroom -- not an emotional experience, but a knowledge that a season was coming to a close and that it would be ok. My struggle with the decision about Romania was because of them. It was my love for them and belief in God's sovereignty that could allow me to give them to a better home that can provide more of the support they needed.
There is a song by Casting Crowns that explained my struggle with going to Romania:
Just how close can I get, Lord, to my surrender without losing all control
Fearless warriors in a picket fence, reckless abandon wrapped in common sense
Deep water faith in the shallow end and we are caught in the middle
With eyes wide open to the differences, the God we want and the God who is
But will we trade our dreams for His or are we caught in the middle
I had been caught in the middle between where I believed God was leading - Romania and the emotions that were stirred up by my current life. As I sought out God's direction, He gave me peace with pursuing moving to Romania. What was incredible was that He is sovereign and could close all the doors and I was content with that also. I just wanted what HE wanted! The decision to go to Romania was not a change in passion - God's glory, but rather only a change in location out of obedience.
Many have questions and trust me I have had more than anyone else -- why move? why Romania? what are my motives? what will I do? how will I survive? how long? and many others... I have tried to figure it all out like I so often do, but God has had one consistent message in my life for the past 2 years -- quit trying to figure out the future because just knowing HE who holds tomorrow is more than enough. I wish I could answer all your questions or give you all the "correct" statements, but all I can say is that God is calling and I want to say, "Here I am, Lord." This may be like Abraham's sacrifice of Isaac - a test of faith or it may be like Moses being called to Egypt. Either way, I want to be found faithful.